10 Black tears

“I killed him,” he said.

The wind suddenly rose as if it wanted to hide his words. Zeeta raised his voice.

“He started to spout nonsense out of nowhere, saying I was a bad son. He heard I was in a gang, and he called me, like, everything under the sun. I told him I was going to find an honest job, but he went crazy. He threw one of his bottles at my head. I could have died. It drove me so mad I punched him really hard. He hit his head with an edge, and he started to bleed a lot more than I did… He wasn’t moving… I called the ambulance with his cell, and… I r-r-ran away.”

He choked on his words. He cleared his throat.

“The craziest thing is that I’m not sad he’s dead. He was a hateful man. I kinda… You know, I kinda feel relieved to know that bastard won’t beat me up anymore. He won’t cover me with bruises or yell at me every freaking day of the year…”

There was a silence. I finally turned to face him.

“How’s your head?”

“Eh? Oh, it’s fine, I guess? I wrapped it up.”

He pulled his hood down, revealing a messy bandage covering half his head.

“You look like a mummy.”

Zeeta breathed out.

“Can’t you take it more seriously?”

“Believe me I am.” I sighed as I sat down next to him. “Did you realize your dad may be still alive? If you called an ambulance, it’s because he was still breathing, right?”

Zeeta looked down at his hands.

“Yeah… He may be still alive on this Earth, but not to me. I never want to see his face again. He wanted me dead anyway. He always said I wasn’t supposed to be born. I was an accident. My mother was underage. She ran away from him. Honestly, I’m glad she did. At least my mom didn’t have to suffer the madness of that bastard.”

I sank my nails into the bench’s edge, cursing myself. Why didn’t I notice he was struggling that much back then? I did know his dad was a drunkard, but since Zeeta almost never talked about him, I thought he was living fine. I felt down. My parents, my sister, my grandpa, were all amazing people I loved with all my heart… but Zeeta had nothing. And yet he hadn’t given up all these years.

“Don’t you want to meet her? Your mom,” I said.

Zeeta gazed up at the starry sky. The stars were invisible from the city, but from up there, they were twinkling intensely.

“I don’t,” he replied. “She’s a stranger. She left me with a drunkard. I won’t run after people who don’t care about me. I learned my lesson.”

I stared at him. I kind of understood him, but…

“Zeeta. From what you’re saying, you’re not a murderer but a victim. I’m sorry I couldn’t be of any help.”

“What are you saying? You did nothing, Armen.”

“Well, but that’s the problem, right? We are friends, yet I didn’t know anything.”

“That’s… because I didn’t tell you a thing.”

“Oh, you’re right, you didn’t tell me anything. Not a thing. You even disappeared in July without a word. I wonder why.” I tried to calm myself, wiped off my tight smile, and went on: “But, if it’s because you didn’t want to have anything to do with the Tiger Clan, I won’t blame you.”

The starlight flickered in Zeeta’s eyes.

“That’s another matter.” His voice wavered. “Do you really want to know?”

“Of course I want to.”

“Huh… Well, it makes sense.” He turned his eyes to the night city. “You know, three days after the shopping center incident, the Tiger Clan tried to take revenge on the Hell Hounds. They asked all the groups to gather and launch an attack on a building to steal some hard disk or whatever. It turned out the building had already been wiped out by the Dark Alliance, you know, that big group of gangs. Well… the thing is the guys from the Dark Alliance were still around. All those bastards were power-holders. They even beat Ginger up.”

I widened my eyes in disbelief. Ginger was the Cheetahs’ leader. He was strong. Even without the pill to boost his body’s strength, he was still damn strong. But to bump into the Dark Alliance… What bad luck.

Zeeta continued:

“At first, we thought they were doing that because they had mistaken us for the Hell Hounds, but it turned out they also were against the Tigers. Those from the DA are big shots in the Underworld. It seems that they didn’t like what happened at the shopping center, so they decided to get rid of both the Hell Hounds and the Tiger Clan. As simple as that. They made us give up on the Tiger Clan when they told us the Big Tigers had already run away, leaving us behind.”

His words were piercing me like daggers. The Tiger Clan had run away? Such a big gang got beaten by the Dark Alliance in a few days?

“So,” he went on, “they suggested that we join them.”

“…! What?” I gasped. “They wanted the Cheetahs to join the Dark Alliance?”

“They didn’t force us. Ginger declined and fled to his hometown. Rock-Beard, Snake, and Erma went their own way. Sunflower and I accepted the deal, but we ended up in different groups, and we haven’t seen each other since that day.”

Holy crap. Zeeta got into the Dark Alliance?

“Isn’t that bad?” I asked. “That gang…”

“It’s a group of gangs, actually,” Zeeta observed. “I joined the Hidden Hall. And the main reason I joined is that… they give a breaking pill to new members. You don’t know about it, right? Breaking pills are different from the pills given by the Tiger Clan. They’re meant to provoke a real quirk. It’s compulsory to eat it if you’re quirkless and you want to join the Alliance. You have to put your life on the line, mutations are no joke… I ate the pill without thinking much. It hurt like hell, but I’m a power-holder now. A real one. My hearing is top-notch. Look, see the Nyomin Crystal?”

He pointed to the gigantic, shining, yellow Crystal that loomed over the Nyomin District from its four hundred twenty meters high. Next to it were the buildings of the governmental company my sister worked for.

“Last time, I used my power to spy on those guys. It’s a bit difficult to place the earbud accurately when the target’s so far away since I can’t control my power without using my eyes, and I have to reactivate it every time I blink, which kinda sucks, but hey, it’s still amazing, ain’t it?”

It was. He already had that kind of power before, but now he didn’t even need pills.

“Amazing but scary,” I said. “If the DA doesn’t use temporary pills like the Tiger Clan’s… what do they do to keep you from quitting?”

“Nothing special. People willing to risk their lives taking a breaking pill are already weirdos, don’t you think? So most of us stay. Besides, if you work hard, it’s well-paid.”

“I see. Not that I want to join but… why didn’t you tell me anything? Not only you, the other Cheetahs as well told me nothing about what happened… I’m not surprised that Snake or Rock-Beard didn’t contact me, even Sunflower, but Ginger was our leader, and Erma… The Lil Witch did text me after the shopping center attack, but she said absolutely nothing about the DA. And then… even she stopped answering my texts. I… don’t understand.”

I realized my voice had turned bitter. There was an awkward silence. I added:

“But it’s true I didn’t insist a lot myself. I only went back to our Workshop twice. Guess I got scared after what happened at the shopping center. I still can’t believe the Hell Hounds attacked a place full of people. That was crazy.”

“Yeah… It was chaotic. Even the Nyomin Heroes intervened.”

“… Mm. So I heard. I didn’t get to see them, though, since I passed out as soon as it started. Next thing I knew, I was at the hospital, and the Cheetahs were go—”

“I asked them not to tell you.” Zeeta’s words made me freeze. He… what? He clutched his knees with his hands and looked at me without batting an eye. “Punch me if you want… I asked them to let you be.” I swallowed my surprise with difficulty. Zeeta had asked the other Cheetahs to ignore me? Even Erma? He continued in a calm voice: “You see, Straw Head… I bumped into your big sis at the hospital. She suspected me and told me to stay away from you. I thought: what a nice person… She cares so much about you. I thought about it a lot of times but… What the hell were you thinking when you joined the Cheetahs, Armen?”

“That’s…” I bit my tongue. Big sis… I knew she meant well but still… I smiled, trying to get a grip on myself. “It was stupid of me, right? To get entangled like that… But know what, Zeeta? I don’t regret it. Those days when the shopkeepers thanked us for protecting their stores and told us we were like true heroes. Also, those times when we talked and played music together… it was so much fun! Remember when I was relearning the violin? I was so bad at it! A fisherman even threw a fish at me, and he got you instead.”

Zeeta stared at me in awe, then chuckled.

“Yeah… We had fish for dinner that day. We cooked it at your place.”

“The next day, we tried to play a Vivaldi’s piece the worst we could to get him to throw us more fishes—”

“But he only threw rotten ones!” Zeeta completed, laughing. “He really hated our guts.”

“Not as much as Beethoven,” I said.

Zeeta burst out laughing.

“That singer neighbor of yours! That time when he knocked at your door, and he went: ‘Stop your racket, don’t insult classical music, you snotty-nosed brats!’” Zeeta tried to imitate the baritone voice of my neighbor. I laughed. “But then you started playing the violin better, and he never showed up anymore.”

We grinned at each other, remembering those days. I saw him shiver. Was he cold? I took off my new scarf and handed it to him.

“Put that on.”

“Huh? But aren’t you cold yourself?”

An undead body was always cold. I kept the thought to myself and smiled.

“I’m fine, but you’re shaking like a leaf.”

“… Well, thanks…” He wrapped it around his neck and curled up on the bench. “It feels nice.”

“Right? My mom knitted it. It’s my present for Christmas.”

“Mm… Must be nice… A Christmas present… I don’t remember the last time I got a gift at Christmas. I usually spent those nights out there, playing the guitar or just wandering around… Well,” he shrugged, “I don’t really care about those traditional events, anyway… You sure you’re not cold? Last winter, you were like an onion wearing a bunch of layers.”

“I’m fine, really.”

We fell silent. We could hear the distant rumble of the city. I put my hands behind my head and asked:

“So… Why did you want to kill yourself?”

Zeeta flinched at the sudden change of subject, hesitated, then let out a grim, nervous laugh.

“It’s not like it’s my first time. Would you think I’m crazy if I told you I tried to kill myself several times already? I started that when I was eight. But finding a peaceful death isn’t easy, so I failed every time. Guess I suck at dying. Oh, but I stopped doing that when I joined the Cheetahs two years ago… Armen, are you shaking? So you were cold, you liar!”

“I’m not… You bastard, you’re making me cry.”

I didn’t know undead could cry. When I rubbed my eyes, I saw my hands soiled in black tears. Black? Yes… They weren’t actual tears. They weren’t liquid. But what were they then? Powder? Some sacrilegious dust?

Fortunately, it was dark enough for Zeeta not to notice. He kept silent for a while, then said:

“Thanks, Straw Head. You’re the only one who would cry like this for me.”

“Then why? Why didn’t you ask for help?”

“That’s because…” He paused. “Precisely because you’re the most important person I’ve ever had in my life. I didn’t want you to know how gross I am.”

I gulped, shocked. My black tears were running down my cheeks.

“But… you’re not gross in any way, Zeeta—”

“I am!” Zeeta cried out. “I am…”

He wavered, then hit his forehead with the palm of his hand and let out a groan of pain. Fool. Had he forgotten he was injured?

“Are you alright?” I worried. “Your wound… you should be resting—”

“I’m fine. I’ll just lie on the bench for a bit.”

As he carefully leaned his head on my lap, I unthinkingly placed a hand on his forehead, just before remembering I couldn’t feel the heat or cold. I couldn’t even tell for sure if I was actually touching him.

“It feels like an ice cube,” Zeeta whispered, closing his eyes.

Did he have a fever? Or was it that my hand was freezing? I couldn’t tell.

On his right earlobe, he was still wearing the same platinum earring I was wearing on my left ear. On the day we put them on, we swore: ‘From now on, the Cheetah Duo Band will make music fly all over Farskyer!’. Almost one year later, thinking back about it was a bit embarrassing… but neither he nor I had taken the earring off. That brought a thin smile to my lips.

His breathing was calming down. I inhaled subconsciously and absorbed Zeeta’s scrapped lifeforce. My hunger woke up. Suddenly, a surge of energy overwhelmed me. After spending one week hardly able to sense anything physically, I had realized how much humans used simple gestures to relieve mental discomfort, such as yawning, stretching, fidgeting, screaming… I could no longer do that. When I had gone with Arkill to Somerville in the afternoon, I had hoped lifeforce would fill the gap and relax me, and it did in a way but…

But what I was feeling right now was completely different. It was bliss… Holy Gods, undeads were so great!

As I thought that, I stopped dead, finally understanding one scary thing: I had been absorbing Zeeta’s lifeforce, not the scrapped one but the one hidden in his body. So… just by touching I could drain a human’s lifeforce? It was so tempting… I restrained myself and stayed still while wondering whether I could give him back the lifeforce I had absorbed. Well, Ray said an undead ate lifeforce and transformed it into deathforce, so I guessed that, as long as the absorption speed of my core wasn’t ultra-fast, there should be some left, but… I had no idea how to give it back. Did I eat too much? Could he replenish the energy I just stole? He was gonna be fine, right? Dammit. It was really not the time to be drawn by my appetite!

Unaware of my own issues, Zeeta broke the silence quietly.

“Straw Head… If I were to tell you something very weird, would you hear me out?”

I kept my hand on his forehead as I calmly nodded:

“I would.” I’m more worried about your health, right now, you know?

“Then…” After a pause, Zeeta confessed: “This summer, when I saw you lying on the ground, covered in blood, I almost lost my mind. The thought that you could’ve died… It scared me so much. I wanted to keep playing music with you, I wanted to keep you safe and prevent any gangster from harming you again… But then I realized how foolish I was. I wasn’t powerful enough to protect you: then what the hell was I doing, thinking of myself as your best friend? What the hell am I even doing here if I can’t protect the things that are closest to my heart? And why is it that I can’t seem to let you be even now, when you’re finally leading a normal life? What the hell’s wrong with my head?! Aaah, I’m disgusting, I’m such a fool, I want to disappear!” he cried out. He sat up, then stood.

If it had been someone else, I wouldn’t have known how to react to his confession but… I knew Zeeta well. I got up, followed him, and leaned on the guardrail.

“Zeeta,” I said. “I’m not sure I understand all of it. But you can’t protect everything. Who knows, in a few seconds, I could inhale some purple crystal particles and be teleported to a desert island or a dungeon. Cases are rare around here, but it happens.”

“What on the Crystals are you saying?”

“I’m just saying life’s unpredictable. Also, it’s only natural for you to call for my help. We’re friends.”

“Friends that only cause trouble are no friends,” Zeeta retorted sharply.

“That’s for me to decide. Believe me, if you get on my nerves, I’ll tell you outright. You know I don’t mince my words with my friends.”

Zeeta stared at me with a glint of disbelief, then tsked.

“You don’t know anything. If I were to tell you some things I did, you’d run from me like a demon horde.”

“How can you be sure if you don’t tell me?”

“Th-Th-That’s… Because it’s obvious!” He took a step away, shaking. “You don’t get it, Straw Head. I’m a weirdo.”

“Oh, is that supposed to be new?”

“I’m completely nuts.”

“I’ve known that since you broke my neighbor’s stereo when I was studying for my exams so he wouldn’t bother me. That’s altruism.”

Zeeta gaped at me.

“You knew?”

“Oh, and that day, last December,” I continued, “when some Seagulls attacked me on my way home and you came to my rescue saying you were just passing by when, in fact, you were following me—”

“That too?!”

“The funniest thing is, you ended up beaten too in the end. That’s solidarity.”

I gave him a thumbs up. Zeeta was flabbergasted. I rolled my eyes.

“Did you think I didn’t know? Seriously, Zeeta. If you were talking about those things, you should rather complain about me not doing enough for you in return.”

There was a deep silence. Then:

“That’s just part of it,” Zeeta whispered. “Did you know I keep a picture of you in my wallet?”

“… That only proves I’m popular?”

“How optimistic can you be?! Plus, you just made a funny face like you were thinking, ‘This guy’s more nuts than I thought’.”

“I… didn’t? Well, even if I did, I can adjust to that. I have a picture of a bunch of puppies in my wallet myself. Am I crazy?”

Zeeta looked at me, annoyed, then blurted out:

“I tied one of your hairs on the Wish Rope for the New Year so you would play music with me this year too.”

“Oh! I thought about doing that too. Now I’m regretting I didn’t.”

Zeeta was losing his patience as he continued angrily:

“I used to stalk you almost every night on your way home to make sure you were safe—”

“Thank you, Zeeta.”

“After the Seagulls attacked you, I went to their hideout and set it on fire!”

“…!” He what?!

“Ah, now I’m scaring you, huh. But I can’t stop being like that. I’m a vengeful, obsessive bastard who clings to his friends like some life preserver, not even thinking about how they feel about my actions… I didn’t want to lose you.” He swallowed under my shocked expression. “So when your sister told me to stay away from you, at the hospital, I got mad. We quarreled, and I pushed her against a wall. Thank goodness, the police got there. They wanted to interrogate me about the shopping center incident. Then… I realized how bad of a person I am. I am no better than my dad. I am just poison to you. So I swore to myself to let you be and got into the Dark Alliance thinking I’d put my power to use but… I don’t enjoy spying on Nyomin conversations, and in my free time, I just spend my days doing nothing… Haha, my dad’s right. I’m such a duffer. A trash. Everything I do is wrong. Now I’ve even sent him to the hospital. Damn, why was I even born? I’m just poison to everyone. It’d be better for me to just disappear… Straw Head, I’m sorry I had you come here to listen to all this nonsense. Don’t blame yourself for what I’m gonna do, okay?”

All my alarms went off when Zeeta drew closer to the railing. No! I blocked his path, and opening my arms, I hugged him tightly. I wanted to cheer him up, I wanted to save him, but how? What kind of horrible life could his dad have made his son live to have such low self-esteem?! Should I tell him, “You’re the best in the world, please stay alive”? No, but that meant nothing at all. Being the best had nothing to do with being positive. Then something like, “You’re a normal guy, Zeeta, life is already short enough for you to stop along the way: let’s have fun together!”? Nah, but Zeeta wasn’t a normal guy. And what did “being normal” mean anyway? Breathing in, I finally said:

“Zeeta. I’m glad you finally spoke your mind. Now it’s all right.”

“…” Zeeta didn’t move a muscle.

“I don’t know what my big sis told you, but don’t mind her, she’s just worried about me. I don’t know either what kind of horrible things your dad told you, but don’t let it get to you: he doesn’t think of you as his son, so his words mean nothing at all. Just think about it: would I have spent a year playing music with a fool that doesn’t think about how his friends feel? You wouldn’t be my friend if you didn’t care about me in the first place. I may not be the best at studying, but Ray says I’m pretty good at understanding people. So believe me, yeah, sometimes you are stupid, you are pessimistic, and obsessive, and you’re awfully awkward with relationships, but you’re still the Zeeta I know, and that’s all that matters. What I said is still true: you had me worried sick. All those months, I even feared you might be dead. I’m glad you’re alive. I’m so glad. So stay with me in this world and don’t kill yourself, okay?”

Zeeta had begun to cry while I was speaking. His relief was pouring down. He sobbed:

“You’re a nice guy, Straw Head.”

“… Thanks. You are too.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are a nice guy.”

“No! I’m crazy!”

“Then a crazy nice guy.”

“I’m a damn stalker,” he wept.

“That makes you a crazy nice stalker. Heh, don’t ask me to erase the ‘nice’, because I won’t.”

“… S-Straw Head. What am I supposed to do with my life?”

“Just live the way you are, do what you want, make some people smile. That’s enough reason.”

“Is it? The way I am… Is it really okay?”

“It’s okay for me. As long as you don’t kill yourself.”

“…”

He had finally cracked. Aware that my own eyes were probably pouring black tears, I rubbed his back the best I could as he kept crying. I had never seen him cry before, but honestly, seeing him like that was a relief. It meant that, deep down, he wanted someone to comfort him. One sometimes has to break into pieces to be able to heal.

“Cry all you want,” I whispered. “Then smile and come back to Farskyer with me. Let’s hang out like before. I promise that, if your stalking habits annoy me, I’ll tell you, so promise me in return that you will let me hear your new songs from now on.”

“My songs are nothing special.”

“There we go again. Your songs are special for me, and for the Lil Witch and the other Cheetahs. Isn’t that enough, greedy crazy nice stalker?”

“It’s… far more than enough,” Zeeta admitted, hiccuping.

I smiled.

“And you’re special for me too. So don’t scare me like that anymore. Just say, ‘I promise I’ll ask the Straw Head for help whenever I’m feeling down’, and everything should go well.”

“I promise…” He suddenly hugged me back sobbing: “Sorry. I’m sorry I worried you… I may be v-very awkward with relationships, like you say. Aaah… life’s s-so hard.”

“You had it rough.”

After a while, he calmed down and sniffed:

“Thanks, Straw Head. This time I might really be dead if you hadn’t come.”

“I’d have come earlier if you had called before. You’re such a crybaby.”

“I’m not a crybaby! And… you don’t need to pat my back.”

“There, there—”

“I said I’m fine!”

He pushed me away, embarrassed. It seemed that he wasn’t going to kill himself now. Thank goodness. I sighed in relief. Only then did I realize how much tension I had built up.

I already knew Zeeta got easily obsessed with things, like when he had run after a cyclist all the way to the Financial District because the man was riding too fast and had almost knocked our leader over. He couldn’t catch him and spent two whole weeks scanning the streets in search of the cyclist. He was resentful, surly with strangers, and even with friends, he was unable to talk about his feelings without belittling them out of shyness. However, when he was playing the guitar or composing songs, he was an open book. That’s why I knew him the best.

I got worried when I saw him stagger and fall on the bench.

“Zeeta?”

“I’m just… a bit dizzy.”

Was it because I had absorbed his lifeforce? My hand trembled.

“You’re wounded, you should go to a hospit—Zeeta!”

He had fallen head over heels. I cursed as I turned him face-up. Such a moron. How could he be wandering outside when he was totally feeling unwell? And, to top it all, we were in a remote area.

“My head hurts so freaking bad,” he chuckled quietly. “That’s funny. In the end, I’ve been killed by my dad. Just when I decided t-that I didn’t want to die—”

“You’re not gonna die, you idiot!”

I cried out for help. Fortunately, there were two night watchmen on duty at the temple, and they had a car. One of them kindly accepted to drive us to the nearest hospital. It was my first time getting in a car. Just as in Taipei, cars were tightly restricted within Farskyer City for a question of commodity and space, but since the Kiyomizu temple wasn’t exactly in the city…

“You’re gonna be okay,” the driver said in a friendly voice. “We’ll be at the Union City Hospital in half an hour. What were you guys doing at the temple on a Sunday night, anyway?”

Huh, right… What were we doing? Talking? Hugging? Crying? I said:

“Sightseeing.”

“No,” Zeeta mumbled huskily, lying at the rear. “You know, sir, that guy… has just saved my life.”

I grinned as I watched the trees and road lights go by. I didn’t need to turn around to know that he was smiling.